In the last 18 months I had started three races and completed one, so I really had something to prove to myself yesterday as I joined the start line on a cold, grey morning in Margam Park. This race had been on my mind all year as one where I know some of the route fairly well, and one which I actually had a chance of finishing. I am delighted to say that it did not disappoint.
The race was exactly the kind of event that works best for me: fairly small, extremely well organised, with a beautiful route that took us from parkland up into the hills and forests above Port Talbot on woodland paths and forestry tracks. There were fallen trees to deal with, stepping stones across a small stream, muddy sections and wonderful, grassy slopes. On a clear day I’m sure there are fabulous views too, although yesterday was an atmospheric autumnal day, the colours muted by the cloud.
It was also really hard. Over 2000ft of elevation turns out to be quite hard going, with the middle section between miles 6 and 9 particularly taxing. Uphill all the way for three miles, and by this point I was aware of having become completely disorientated. The weather conditions played a part in this, the lack of any view making it difficult to place myself in the wider landscape. There was also the fact that I was determined to treat this as the race it was, so wasn’t stopping regularly to look at maps and think about my environment, meaning that I didn’t give myself the chance to look around and orientate myself.
On top of all this, there was the fact that the course was so excellently marked out. This is clearly a very good thing; at no point did I have to pause and consider my route, I just followed the markers and was able to focus on getting myself round rather than route finding. I trusted it, managing not to listen to the little voice in my head wondering where exactly I was, and that trust paid off by finishing in exactly the time I’d hoped for.
I came in at 3 hours 27 seconds with my gorgeous nieces running in beside me. I’d clearly given the race everything I had as I crossed the finish line unable to speak or move any further. Luckily I was surrounded by the most wonderful friends and family who held me in every sense, got me seated, and handed me a hot chocolate that fairly quickly had me functioning again. It was the perfect end to a race that had given me some much needed head space, to find myself drawn back into the world by the care and kindness of the people around me.
As little as a month ago I might have been slightly disappointed with that finishing time; I was doing a lot of running and feeling fairly fit and strong. Then life threw one of its curve balls at me as I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. Amidst the shock and fear that that diagnosis inevitably brings, I am aware of feeling very lucky, and profoundly grateful. I’m told that it is small, low grade and early, the best possible words to hear at a difficult time. I have been swept up into the NHS system where every person I have met has been kind and caring, no one has rushed me, and everyone has moved to make this process as quick and straightforward as possible. The cushion of support I have around me, from family, friends and professionals, is incredible and humbling in equal measure.
It is quite disorientating (that word again) to feel so lucky and cared for while also feeling full of anger, frustration and fear. I am conscious that I am going to lose my sense of self for a while as surgery and radiotherapy put running and the gym out of reach. Not for long, but long enough. These are my safe places, the places outside home where I can regulate myself and give my mind the chance to calm itself. To know I won’t be able to do that at a time when I might need it most is daunting. So I’m making plans, finding routes and even a race that I can aim for next year when this is all behind me. I may crawl into my shell for a little while, but I know that there are people around me, just as there were at the finish line yesterday, who will hold me up until I can stand on my own again.
I won’t have time for another long run before surgery and all that follows, which made me even more determined to get round yesterday. It was the perfect race to finish on, setting me up ready for more of the same in the new year. Now it’s time to focus on some other fun things, as I’ll be doing my Christmas socialising early this year. I think I can even justify a pre-December mince pie or two, just this once.
I Run Free 